Get unstuck, Ask the right questions.
Break down intimidating problems into bite-sized puzzles.
One thing at a time.
Learning as play.
Encourage her to drive herself.
This happened quite a while back -- and I continue to struggle with keeping to the spirit of my parenting aspirations. Every time I struggle with patience and empathy, I think back to this, and feel the anger sucked away. Hope this helps other parents who have made the commitment not to yell at and hit their children as well...