day 433 | january 28, 2011 | be where you are

2011 is going to be such a year of change for myself and my little angels. we're moving countries, and despite the fact that we've lived in singapore before, it will still be a significant adjustment from kuala lumpur. roo is now adjusting to kindergarten life in a new school in a new country; and red and i are still struggling to find the balance between my work schedule and the times i need to settle down beside her and just soak in mommyhood. 'steph tan photography' is back in full swing from my maternity break, and my one-woman-show is juggling multiple priorities. it's exciting because of all the interesting assignments to look forward to, the ideas bubbling in my head on how to develop/improve the business, and precious opportunity to travel. but i also can't help but miss red and roo.

there is a nagging guilt in my heart because i'm apart from them. i worry that i'm a bad mommy because i've passed their care off to other people while i'm away. i want to be a good mommy. what mommy doesn't? on the other hand, i'd like to think that they will grow up proud of what i'm trying to do. that i did not give up on other passions in my life just because they are around. as a mommy, i just don't want to be the walking milk bottle, nappy changer, and drool wiper. it's part of the job, yes, but more than that, i want to be the kind of mommy who opens her daughters eyes to what the world has to offer. when i'm around, i want to read to them and with them, and help them find the answers to their questions, and let them know that i love them by being truly with them. (i'd love to play in the mud with them too). and when i'm away, i want to be rockin' the world, making them proud. i hope years down the line, as they go about life, they will pursue their heartsong, believing that they can do what they put their minds and hearts into. push themselves to be happily successful individuals. in my dreams, they say, 'my mommy did it, and so can i.'

so i will try my damnedest to manage my time better, and more importantly, to be 100% present wherever i am. 100% mommy when i'm with the little ones, 100% wife when my husband needs me, and 100% manager and photographer when i'm working on my humble business. it's so simple, really. but with many little things urgent things that call our attention everyday, there never seems to be enough time and our heads focus on little irritations and elsewhere things. sometimes, we end up missing what is here and what is important.